Coming out: things to consider from a queer & trans therapist
Coming out is often represented and framed as a single moment. Yet, it is a personal, ongoing process, that is by no means linear! As a queer, gender affirming therapist, I’ve had many conversations about coming out with clients, friends, and in my own life. There is no roadmap or textbook to coming out, but there are some considerations that can support you in navigating coming out with intention and care.
Why Coming Out Matters: Insights From a Queer & Trans Therapist
Coming out isn’t about putting yourself in a box—it’s about freeing yourself from one. Living openly can reduce shame, boost self-esteem, and build authenticity in your relationships. As a therapist, I’ve witnessed it. As a human, I’ve experienced it. Coming out and living authentically can be an act of radical self-care. It allows you to be known and seen. Even if that means just coming out to yourself. It doesn;t have to be all at once, and it might even happen more than once! It’s your own personal process and journey. And, there is something beautiful about that.
How To Come Out
As I said before, this is a personal process. And maybe this means just coming out to yourself, or to friends and family. Reallt, there’s no script, but there are some considerations to think about:
Start with people you trust—often this is a close friend, sibling, or even online friends and community.
Write it out—if words feel hard, try letters, voice notes, or art to express yourself. If you are concerned about coming out, sometimes writing can help you avoid harmful initial reactions from loved ones. This allows everyone to process on their own time!
Use affirming language that resonates with you. You don’t have to explain every detail unless you want to.
Prepare emotionally—consider what support you’ll need before and after. This might even look like writing down a plan with people to call for support or places you feel safe to go to for support if you need.
Sometimes folks need space to process, and that’s okay. It might not go as you expect. Initial reaction doesn’t always reflect how someone feels.
When Is the Right Time to Come Out?
The right time is whenever you say it is. Maybe it is when you feel emotionally and physically safe. Maybe it is when you are just ready to get it out there. Regardless, remember, you don’t owe anyone your story. If you live in a home or community where your safety might be at risk, it may need to wait—or take a different form, like finding online LGBTQ+ spaces to be yourself. Maybe it’s about finding a therapist or trusted friend to process the decision with. Maybe you aren’t sure why it’s the right time, it just is. That’s ok too.
Things To Consider When Coming Out
1. Safety!
More than ever, it can feel like an overwhelming, and at times a scary place for LGBTQ+ folks. This can really play into how, when, and if (!), you decide to come out. Safety isn’t just about physical safety, it is emotional security, financial stability, and having a solid support system in place. Some questions that might help you reflect are:
How might this person, or group react?
Could coming out impact my housing, job, access to resources?
What support systems do I have in place if needed?
And remember, there is no timeline or requirement to come out.
2. Timing?
There’s no perfect moment to come out. Some people feel ready early in life, while others don’t come out until later - or choose not to at all. And that’s valid! If you’re thinking about coming out, consider:
What would coming out mean to me at this time?
Are there external stressors (school, work, family issues) that might impact the ‘right’ timing?
Are there other queer, trans, and LGBTQ+ people in my life to support me?
3. Relationships: Who, When, and How
Not everyone needs to know at the same time—or at all. You get to decide who is part of this journey. Some questions to consider:
Who in my life is supportive? Can I start with them?
How do I want to communicate this—face-to-face, a letter, a text, a social media post?
Do I have people to reach out to if I need additional support? Do I want someone present with me if I share face-to-face (therapist, friend, partner)?
What To Expect After You Come Out
After coming out, people may surprise you—in both good and difficult ways. You might feel euphoric, free, and proud… or overwhelmed, anxious, and afraid. Some people may not respond in the way you hoped. Others may embrace you more fully than you expected. It’s normal for emotions to be complex. It’s okay to grieve expectations, relationships, or ideas about how it “should have gone.” Therapy, journaling, and queer support groups can help you process it all.
Common Fears About Coming Out & How To Face Them
Fear of rejection. This is valid—and painful. More than ever queer people face rejection and erasure. Know you are not alone. People might not respond the way you anticipate. Or they might surprise you. Remember coming out is a radical act of self-care. You got this.
Fear of judgment. This fear often comes from internalized shame. We live in a society that tells us we have to fit in traditional heteronormative boxes. Up until the last few years, representation on TV of the queer community was limited and minimizing. We all have internalized feelings. Even people who have already come out. Even me! Writing this blog. It is a part of the world and systems we live in.
Fear of being unsafe. If you think you might face housing instability, financial insecurity, face physical or emotional violence, it is important to seek support and have a plan (see below).
Fear of being “too much.” I’m just going to squash this. You’re not. Existing as yourself is not a burden.
Mental Health Tips For LGBTQ+ Individuals Coming Out
Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you would a friend or family member.
Build awareness for how your body is responding to this change. Check in with your nervous system. Grounding techniques like deep breathing or guided imagery can help.
Be mindful of your mental and emotional capacity. You don’t need to engage with every negative comment or family member. You can set boundaries.
Find joy and validation in queer books, shows, music, and community spaces.
Seek professional support. LGBTQ+ affirming therapy can be life-changing.
How to Build a Support System Before and After Coming Out
Support can look like:
Online forums or Discord groups (r/lgbt, TrevorSpace, etc.)
LGBTQ+ centers with groups or drop-ins
Chosen family—people who affirm and love you
Mentors or role models in the queer community
Before coming out, make a list of people or places you can turn to. After, check in with them. Ask for what you need.
Resources for LGBTQ+ People Coming Out in Denver, Colorado, and beyond
Coming out is often easier when you have a community. Whether it’s friends, chosen family, or online spaces, having people who affirm you is so so important. Some helpful resources:
The Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) – Crisis support for LGBTQ+ youth
PFLAG (www.pflag.org) – Support for LGBTQ+ individuals and their families
Local LGBTQ+ Centers – Many cities have community centers with resources and support groups
https://www.breadandroseslaw.org/
Online Communities – Reddit, Discord, and Facebook groups can connect you with others who share similar experiences
Find a queer, transgender, nonbinary, LGBTQ, gender-affirming, and trauma-informed therapist! You can schedule a free 15 minute call with me to see if we are a good fit. Based in Denver, Colorado for in-person and telehealth therapy.
